tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20161782011-04-21T16:56:04.497-05:00PerceptionsThe journey is what counts, right?Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.comBlogger1271100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1086237753868367672004-06-02T23:41:00.000-05:002004-06-02T23:42:33.866-05:00Written. 24. May. 2004
Welcome to my Head
To enter an access code, press pound,
To start the Inner Monologue, press play.
Then strap yourself in,
and keep your doggie bag handy -
You'll need it.
When visiting my head,
taking the scenic route through my psyche
The debris and ruin, downed power lines sparking in the wet
Turgid Darkness enveloping all.
Duck the rotting corpses of my past
swingingJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1086237570020462992004-06-02T23:38:00.000-05:002004-06-02T23:42:50.340-05:00Written. 24. May. 2004
Gay
I am gay -
and yet I've never dated.
I am queer -
In every definition known.
I am lesbian -
because men appeal not to me.
I am womyn -
and crave a woman's touch.
I am female -
thus I rejoice in the female form.
I am fag hag -
for I relate better to gay males.
I am big nelly bottom -
due to lack of experience.
I am beefy, brutal top
in my mind and heart.
I am brokenJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1084258823386246962004-05-11T01:59:00.000-05:002004-05-11T02:00:23.386-05:00WE
Written.10.May.2004
Crude and rude and completely without tact
Brash and rash and utterly lacking in decorum
No finesse and unrefined, absolutely uncouth
Raw and crass and severely in need of diplomacy
Dark and dreary and gleefully macabre
irreverent and irrelevant and enveloped in shadows
Morbid and morose, devoid of Light or Joy
Sorrowful and forlorn, lost in the valley of the dead.
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1084258399464467552004-05-11T01:51:00.000-05:002004-05-11T02:02:06.956-05:00Holiday Countdown
Written.10.May.2004
Six Hours left
to live
to die
to spread my wings and fly?
Three Hundred sixty minutes
to flail
to rail
against the injustice of it all?
Time and time and time slips by
bleeding me
leaving me
without the will to go on
And shall I feel afraid?
Shall I run or hide
from the inexorable
ticking of the clock?
Should I turn away in fear?
Stand bravely at the Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1069135184746090452003-11-17T23:59:00.000-06:002003-11-18T00:00:07.450-06:00Written. 17. Novemebr. 2003
Climax
And I felt you hesitate
inside of me
Wondered at the vagaries of perception
that widened the chasm between-
Like a breath drawn in and held
just a moment too long.
I sensed the pause, the change
in myself.
Did it have as much meaning
as I so yearned to give it?
The order of things was never in question.
Looking up, I marveled the silence of it-
when silence Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-1063863096324325762003-09-18T00:31:00.000-05:002003-09-18T00:31:36.060-05:00Written. 25. September. 1995
The Fall
I Stand here, yearning, wanting, waiting.
The pain I know is never ending.
The love I feel is little consolation.
Fate has dictated that we will hurt.
Free Will is our empire of dirt.
The Universe is infinite.
Coffee and conversation are necessities.
Cigarettes are a staple addiction.
I stand here yearning to take him in my arms.
I stand back, knowing its Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-930643842003-04-22T14:39:00.000-05:002003-04-22T14:39:23.870-05:00Written 22. April. 2003
Soon
Soon and soon and soon
And this waiting makes me ache
That I should be so close and yet so far
But all I can do is wait.
Breathe through each moment
move past each day
bring myself
closer and closer and closer
To change
to hope
to life
or something like it.
A chance granted
with stipulations abundant-
Don't fuck it up now.
Just wait.
Wade through the ache
walk Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-905983072003-03-12T12:03:00.000-06:002003-03-12T12:03:57.670-06:00Written 10. March. 2003
Untitled
The Minutiae of memory
distant details too fleeting
galaxies lost in a single day
with the inhale of new ones.
And how do we find the balance
between the past and the present
with room for the future?
Do we live in our memories
or forget the past entirely?
So we meander betwixt the two
drifting to the past and back again
In time we learn the lessons intended.
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-905952402003-03-12T11:03:00.000-06:002003-03-12T11:03:56.500-06:00Written 7. March. 2003
Untitled
Are we losing the moon?
Have the secrets of the primordrial ooze
been discovered?
Suppose there is no impact?
Only Speculation remains our window
Our stepping stoned to other planets -
means to the cosmos, the Sentient Universe.
Are we losing the moon?
Rue the day.
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-889938092003-02-12T15:38:00.000-06:002003-03-12T11:05:28.000-06:00Written. 10. December. 2002
I Ran
And I ran
Feet stomping, side stitching, heart pounding-
Into the brink.
Launched myself
off the cliff-
With a smile.
No fear.
Running through the Shadows;
Storming through the smoky veil
of complacency. Laughing.
No Shame.
I ran.
Over the river
through the woods
tearing toward the underbrush
the precipice in sight
Made the decision.
Took the leap of faith
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-883017142003-01-30T20:13:00.000-06:002003-01-30T20:13:21.310-06:00Written. 30. January. 2003
Again
Time and time and the wheels of fate
the grinding erosion toward inevitable death.
Ghosts of the past and future spectres
All from one e-mail.
Indistinct and impersonal on the surface
clawing open festering wounds long scabbed over.
Trying to make me gangrenous
with envy, with longing, with remembrance.
Striving to lure me back to your void
Another turning of Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-881212992003-01-27T16:57:00.000-06:002003-01-27T16:57:51.396-06:00Wheel Turns
The wheel turns
He has risen from the grave
of my memory
From the ashes of my burned out heart
back from the rubble of my shattered psyche.
In the flesh
and the blood.
His words searing across my consciousness
Rip right through me.
But I renounce.
I defy you.
I do not follow.
I will not fall into.
You. Again.
Pompeii is my past now.
Frozen in time.
And You along with it.
I refuse Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-870754442003-01-07T14:44:00.000-06:002003-01-07T14:44:37.970-06:00Written. 7. January. 2003
I'll Be
I'll Be.
Didn't really think you could
Best me, did you?
Or wheedle your way into my life
without losing a piece of yours
in the process.
Two way street this
Mutual manipulation.
Across the distance
past the time
I've sold you to the highest bidder
and rid myself of your stink.
Try to do the same to me-
You'll find a void
Where I used to be.
How will you fillJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-867513142002-12-31T10:13:00.000-06:002002-12-31T10:13:27.813-06:00Written.26.December.2002
So Well
You know me so well
not at all
all my quirks and desires
nothing of my needs and wants
See my tastes and proclivities
no idea my fantasies and fetishes
You know me so well
What I savor and cherish
Blind to that which thrills me and kills me
Understand my words and reasons
completely lost to my thoughts and emotions
You know me so well
the secrets I tell
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-867511882002-12-31T10:09:00.000-06:002002-12-31T10:09:48.306-06:00Written. 27.December.2002
The Let It Be
I moved like David tonight
Didn't notice it till just after
And I wondered why I wasn't angrier.
A Painting went for a million and one
But the portrait he seared into my soul was priceless.
All those trials and tribulations
Lessons that altered the very way my brain worked
Skewed my reality until all I saw was youo-
And what you wanted me to.
I still Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-852990192002-11-30T11:54:00.000-06:002002-11-30T11:54:36.290-06:00Written. 26. November. 2002
Mourn Ahead
As the day seeps into night
you begin to wonder about your life
And how it is,
you want to be remembered.
Or you ruminate on the future
imagining having lost your most beloved
Trying to mourn in advance,
knowing you'd never survive the loss
Ponder the pain, then
of being torn, snatched, wrenched
away from the only person whose soul
fitted to yours like Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-830319732002-10-15T16:20:00.000-05:002002-10-15T16:20:45.726-05:00Texture of Sound
Texture of Sound
brushing over my skin like Egyptian linen.
Fabric of Crescendo
ripping up and down my spine.
Explosion of Melody
coursing through my veins.
Weave of Arrangement
fitting to my body like flesh.
Tapestry of Music
encasing me in pure emotion.
Threading of Lyrics
twining my soul to the Universe.
Texture of Sound
fills the void of loneliness
gives meaning to my Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-830318432002-10-15T16:17:00.000-05:002002-10-15T16:17:25.600-05:00Die Happy
I'm not interested in completing
Herclean tasks for your love.
No desire to sell my soul
for your tenders of affection.
I don't want to climb the highest mountain
to prove I'm worthy of your acknowledgement.
I just want to love you from afar,
feel your eyes onme now and again -
I simply want you to notice me.
You don't have to love me.
No need to vow undying devotion.
Only see me, at Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-793856182002-07-25T03:54:00.000-05:002002-07-25T03:54:12.620-05:00Written. 24. July. 2002
The Bar Scene
Wasting Away
Waiting to Die
Killin' time, and I'm not even high.
I'm just the driver,
cabbie, chauffeur
the masochist who agrees to go along
And I can't even join in the fun...
'Cause this circle of friends only holds four.
Such a searing lesson,
Glaring reminder
Of all I'm not allowed.
There's evil afoot,
pure self loathing -
How apropos to be surrounded Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-789664302002-07-15T03:55:00.000-05:002002-07-15T03:55:22.526-05:00Written. 15. July. 2002
Self
Under the chest nut tree -
I sold you and you killed me
There in the fetid core, the truth that bound us free
And all we could do was watch, to see it end.
Sometime in the night, the music died.
Silence hovered, pregnant
with meaning, accusation. I held you,
and you raped me of all that I held dear.
Leapt eagerly into the open mouth of my own grave for you.
Now Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783186272002-06-28T12:04:00.000-05:002002-06-28T12:04:14.463-05:00
Jessica's Journal
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783182632002-06-28T11:55:00.000-05:002002-06-28T11:58:00.000-05:00Written. 27. April. 2002
Hideous Kinky
Hideous Kinky
And I begged for it,
Didn't I?
Down on my knees in the wet pre-Dawn grass
Me and your cock and your words so crass
and my twisted longing for this to last
Hideous Kinky
That I condemn
While you fuck me and I
beg you for this to end.
The pain's not so bad
But this wound will never mend.
Hideous Kinky
How it all came to be.
In the dark, in Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783182122002-06-28T11:54:00.001-05:002002-06-28T12:00:14.000-05:00
Written. 14. March. 2002
How
How hard do you try
runnin' through the shadows?
How long can you wait
before giving in to the fear?
How high do you climb
in order to reach the summit?
How far do you go
to get what you want?Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783182412002-06-28T11:54:00.000-05:002002-06-28T11:59:02.000-05:00Written. 15. March. 2002
Appreciate
Let it all fall by the way
Fade and blow the dust
Across the Universe
Let it be forgotten
Or if remembered, fondly so.
At least you took the chance
At least you didn't lose
in the end.
Later they'll say you did what you could.
Later, when you're dead -
They'll find you're life, O Brilliance!
Too late to appreciate.
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783181812002-06-28T11:53:00.001-05:002002-06-28T12:03:57.000-05:00Written. 5. March. 2002
They Do For Me
Do the edges of the world soften for you?
As the Day fades and Night seeps in?
It does for me.
Blurs and drifts into the Shadows -
becomes cool and sensual
Romantic
Caged within the Daylight's cynicism.
Shining armour, golden towers,
The faeries and the sprites.
Fey frolicking through full foliage -
lit by the moon's soft glow.
Do the edges of the worldJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-783181982002-06-28T11:53:00.000-05:002002-06-28T12:02:12.000-05:00Written. 28. February. 2002
From Crysania
I get defensive here sometimes
Nothing to prove - no need to validate
Justify
With Sleet icing down overhead
and I', deliciously lost
in my thoughts.
Let the Dawn fold and the Day break
Leave only Night
Supple Darkness
Sensual Sensation
Behind my eye
Under the right Conditions
is utter contentment,
Pure pleasure.
Try it sometime.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-781510402002-06-24T17:29:00.000-05:002002-06-24T17:38:30.000-05:00Written. 20. June. 2002
Fiend
Get out of my head you vile usurper.
Out of my thoughts, rancid serpent.
Off my mind, devious manipulator.
Away from my consciousness you...
Fiend.
Unrelenting you are
Insidious and viscious
Unrepentant, you laugh
Watching me backs towards insanity.
Madness to be so affected by you -
And you're not even in the room.
Be gone from my waking world, thieving Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-781070722002-06-23T17:02:00.000-05:002002-06-23T17:02:10.650-05:00Written. 23. June. 2002
Everything
You're everything I never wanted to be.
Harsh and brutal
Cold and cruel,
Calculating.
You're the sum of all I loathe
Egotistical and vain.
Haughty and disdainful,
Selfish.
The epitome of all I hate
Calm under pressure,
Detached, decisive.
Mysterious and cryptic,
Conspiratorial.
Shameless, arrogant,
Manipulator, bold, brazen
A natural leader. Charismatic.
OhJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-781064922002-06-23T16:39:00.000-05:002002-06-23T16:39:21.210-05:00Written. 20. June. 2002
Fill The World
The things we never think of
Could fill the world with thoughts.
People the planet with efficiancy
And never be bought or sought
after, like a waking dream
Slipping through bloodless fingers
Regret and remorse hold court here
in the flash bright chambers of your memory.
Perfect hindsight, blind to the future,
trudging perilously ahead
Caught up in Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-778234582002-06-16T19:00:00.000-05:002002-06-16T19:00:27.320-05:00Written 16. April. 2002
Troubles me,
to think of where we're going.
How we've gotten where we are.
Irreverence, Sadism -
What a horrible creature is man,
arrogant and cruel.
Seduced by technology and asphalt.
Spill your own blood there and see how it feels.
Pull yourself from the mirror for a second,
And see through the eyes of the dead.
The poor, defenseless -
the Mother's Children.
Just Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-778232822002-06-16T18:53:00.000-05:002002-06-16T18:53:55.753-05:00Written between March and May. 2002
Momentary Pause
Counting time in infinite seconds
Bleeding into endless hours
Flowing towards eternal days.
Forever in a grain of sand.
A split second in a mountain of time
Inexorable movement toward the moment,
the infinite minute - when it's over, forever.
Crawling and scratching at the boundless boundaries of time
Over and over, ad infinitum.
ImpossibleJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-778229672002-06-16T18:42:00.000-05:002002-06-16T19:06:12.000-05:00Written 13. March. 2002
Could It
And into the mind came the thoughts,
the questions, confusion -
Need, want, desire, pain.
Veiled in happiness.
How do I?
Why should I ?
Don't rock the boat -
But what if it's worth it?
What if it isn't?
Turn away,
Don't look back -
Let it all fade
Because it could never happen...
Could It?
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-778051982002-06-16T05:27:00.000-05:002002-06-16T05:27:47.483-05:00Written 12. June. 2002
So It Goes
Sickly sweet, consumed by rage,
made bitter with pain.
Careful construction of a thousand illusions
shattered with a husky whisper.
Come tumbling down to land at my feet -
staring in resigned acknowledgement.
Such are the standards I hold myself to.
But now the wound is closed with a
cynical scab, and it only itches a little,
around the edges.
Small scar in Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-775533832002-06-10T00:06:00.000-05:002002-06-10T00:06:32.390-05:00Written.9.June.2002
Mobius
Time's like this I can see
life spinning out before and behind.
The whole of my existence
a heartbeat in the silence
of eternity.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
Filled with meaning to none but ourselves.
An infinity of precious moments,
only in our minds.
Inexorably the arbitrary days pass,
rooted as we are within fleshy cages -
creating seconds to tick away,
humanizing Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-775533362002-06-10T00:04:00.000-05:002002-06-10T00:04:57.323-05:00Written.9.June.2002
After All
Peeking through, just a glimpse
of what I gave up for you.
Blissful ignorance, a lost soul
wandering, happily unknowing.
All I left behind to follow you
Friends and family, compassionate moments,
sobbing merrily at weepy movies.
Close knit life of material hours, sewn tight
with a happy, if provincial ending.
And everything I gained by taking your path.
Pseudo Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-775531982002-06-10T00:00:00.000-05:002002-06-10T00:00:27.150-05:00Written.6.June.2002
Personality Disorder
Love and Darkness and my will to live,
All tangled in a heaving web of self deceit.
I am so duplicitous with myself.
Laughing sardonically at my own cries
for merciless mercy.
The dreams in which I'm dying
are devoutly to be wished.
To find relief from Sorrow
To find surcease of pain
One perfect silent moment
of truth within my soul.
And yet my pleas Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-774100712002-06-06T02:05:00.000-05:002002-06-06T02:05:41.026-05:00Written. 2. June. 2002
Foolish Games
What foolish games we play
Tearing ourselves apart
Breaking our own hearts,
with the aching in our souls
Such weakness we support
letting ourselves break
giving in to our dark thoughts
opening our own wounds
How vainly we cry out
screaming our created pain
begging for release
from self appointed misery.
What Sorrow to know
that it is all in our heads
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-767519152002-05-20T04:22:00.000-05:002002-05-20T04:22:09.243-05:00Written.20.May.2002
Sorrow.
Such overwhelming sorrow.
Sifting through my mind,
Stifling my will to live.
Searing in its intensity.
Neither pain,
Nor darkness.
Entirely different, Sorrow.
Anguish shrouded in resignation.
Shuddering in its icy silence.
Sluicing over my breaking heart.
Dousing the flames of my spirit.
You can not know.
Shh, darling, don't speak.
She'll not wait for you to Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-767519012002-05-20T04:21:00.000-05:002002-05-20T04:21:11.416-05:00Written.20.May.2002
All You See
Sometimes I cry for you
and the sorrow you feel.
Sometimes I lie for you
to hide the pain you see.
Sometimes I bleed for you
so that you're not alone.
How I need you, need to feel you.
Would that you could
see me as I am,
a guttering candle in the hurricane of your presence
How I need you,
need to be with you.
I can not do this any longer
I am dying for youJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-767518872002-05-20T04:20:00.000-05:002002-05-20T04:20:03.180-05:00
Written.20.May.2002
Sing the Voices.
Sing the voices
Soft to list
Carried away on
Cool breezes.
Chant the praises
Thrumming fast to hear
Keeping time with pulse
In heart's secret place.
Dance the Circle
Feet against dirt
Drumming deep within
Pull soul to Surface.
Raise the energy
Shape the funnel
Intent fueled frenzy
Power in the Night.
Expel the need
Showering climax cried
A unison of Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-761091812002-05-03T00:17:00.000-05:002002-05-03T00:17:35.703-05:00Written. 1. may. 2002
TABOO
Lurking under your sight,
just below the surface of your mind -
the fetid thoughts you try to hide
from yourself.
Twisted longings, depraved arousals, forbidden desires...
TABOO.
Please Daddy, show me how you love me.
C'mere little girl, and touch me in the secret place.
Rough padded paws on my back, hot canine breath on my neck...
Never give in to abnormal Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-758180372002-04-25T14:05:00.000-05:002002-04-25T14:05:28.440-05:00
Written 24. April. 2002
And into the shadowed Nocturne they swept,
weeping for their lost innocence,
reveling in their corroded morality...
until the Darkness surged forth to meet them,
spreading its spidery wings
and enveloping them..
In eternity.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-754063912002-04-14T20:44:00.000-05:002002-04-14T20:44:01.543-05:00Written. 10. April. 2002
Speak
Speak the tenses, the tensions.
Passed present, nervous future.
But don't go calling it
what it wasn't.
Swore I felt you go stiff now
See you smirking at who I was
The missed opportunities hold sway, knowing
tomorrow will have been just the same.
Tell me the story about last time
When we sat silent, breathing
into our argument to come.
the subtle slights, Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-92462522002-01-31T16:12:00.000-06:002002-01-31T16:14:00.000-06:00And If I Jump
Written.31.January.2002
Precariously perched upon the precipice
of some sparkling epiphany
And do I want to learn it?
Darkness ahead, Shadows behind
and the only way open is down
But am I strong enough to jump?
No future, agony of past
they always say climb to the light
Only I don't know if there is a bottom to climb from.
six feet or six million miles
this open grave stinks ofJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-91681352002-01-29T14:06:00.000-06:002002-01-29T14:06:50.840-06:00Let Me Die
Written.26.January.2002
Black mood, bad day
Let me die
and fade away.
I want the peace
I need the silence
to cease the endless cacophony of voices
Close the open wounds
Stem the flow of pain
Please let me die.
The yearning ache for love never had
Bitter envy for those with less, but more.
Let me die
I'm not here
I'm not real
I know only agony.
I want to open my arms to the Shadows
Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-91679232002-01-29T13:59:00.000-06:002002-01-29T13:59:30.383-06:00Sin Free
Written. 24.January. 2002
You have honoured my request for silence
my need for secrecy.
You have harbored the knowledge within you
and smiled in the light of day.
Silently, we have crept
Stealing the night to come together
to say a final goodbye-
time and time again.
And ever on the morning after
Smiling in the light of day-
not by word or look or deed
Have you let our secret slip Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-91671632002-01-29T13:32:00.000-06:002002-01-29T13:32:17.283-06:00Written. 1. January. 2002
Of Mine
Lend me your mouth
that I might fill it with words.
Offer me your mind
that I might fill it with thoughts.
Open for me your fingers
that I might place within them a sword.
Bend to me your will
that I might make of you an instrument.
Shed for me your tears
that I might purge my pain.
Scream for me your Sorrow
that I might add it to my own.
Sing for me yourJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-89289872002-01-22T05:07:00.000-06:002002-01-22T05:07:04.260-06:00Let Me Go
The tears are ever right behind my eyes
and the pain is always just a heartbeat away.
The Darkness forever issues its sickly sweet call
and the Shadows ever so gently wrap me in shrouds.
The wind whistles mournfully through the broken headstones of my heart
and the lonely willow of my Passion sags under its heavy burden of Sorrow.
The scarred landscape of my love begs silently for Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-75660292001-12-01T17:49:00.000-06:002001-12-01T17:49:09.980-06:00More.
You can not quit me so quickly.
Can not walk away.
You can not turn your back on me
Can not refuse to fight
for me.
To give me up so easily.
Sheer lunacy
For you to give up on me
and all my wicked ways.
To refuse my love.
Absolute Insanity
For you to lower my defenses
then shun my breathless avowals
to die for you.
You must not surrender
without first battling my fear,
conquering my Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-49166572001-08-05T02:04:00.000-05:002001-08-05T02:04:10.160-05:00Jessica's journal
Into Darkness.
She moved in the night like sinewy sentience
Curling and twining 'round the thoughts
Dark and mysterious- a lunar lit nymph
In my head
On my mind
Cool and caressing
Sensual hedonism
And the thoughts give rise to desire
as she dances in her gypsy sway
evoking images of times long past
and hidden pleasures.
Slow and seductive
She writhes, fusing herself to my Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-47759082001-07-28T02:52:00.000-05:002001-07-28T02:52:16.906-05:00Contemplation
( Written about 8 Am this morning.)
27.July.2001
My dream, whatever it was, sits very heavy with me this morning. The feel and shape and tone of it. There was a message in it, a meaning, but I'm not sure what. I know it had shades of yesterday's thoughts, but the complete content is gone. I think it had water, and a hazy kind of drug numbed pain.
Sometimes I think I'm beginningJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-47176392001-07-25T01:11:00.000-05:002001-07-25T01:11:13.996-05:00
There are secrets that we keep
Down in the tropics
jungle of our hidden hearts
Secrets even we don't know exist.
The air moist with palpable knowledge.
Secrets..
Some stones are better left unturned. Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-46514612001-07-21T01:09:00.000-05:002001-07-21T01:09:35.780-05:00
Written. 6. February. 1998
( I should note: This was written after the first and only relationship I've ever been in fell apart. I was so fucked up from the experience as a whole that its taken me 4 years to be able to look back and and begin to piece together what lessons I was supposed to learn from it. So. There you have it, or part of it, at least. )
When Dave in Atlanta gave me this Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-45157872001-07-13T00:27:00.000-05:002001-07-13T00:27:30.230-05:00
Written. 2. July. 2001
They Never Had
Lastly came the children,
stained with the sins of their parents.
Lost, hardened, pleasure sacrificed to
survival; childhood giving way to
a reality they never deserved.
Desperation in the air,
Defective love, corroded, decayed,
Futile hope, tattered, frayed.
They tread on, year after year,
as the memories fade-
and the desert becomes all they ever knew.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-41049702001-06-16T23:29:00.000-05:002001-06-16T23:29:04.366-05:00
Written. 20. April. 2001
And its the little things that make me smile, make it easier to breath, to live, to BE. The sights, the sounds, the tiny gestures the Universe makes in its infinity of finding itself. The questing to KNOW. The doing, seeing, touching, smelling, searching. Every moment, every thought, every second a journey of infinite possibilities. And we'll never learn it all, never Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-37581322001-05-23T02:40:00.000-05:002001-05-23T02:40:30.853-05:00Written. 23. May. 2001
Something In Me
Something in me...
brewing, building...
frothing red and wet..
just under the surface.
A volcano of passion,
desire, hot and sticky
melting my icy heart
Give me back my will to live
So I might die in peace-
and know-
Whatever is there to know
But it simmers,
churns,
bubbles,
and never crests.
To course through me,
Surge in my veins,
A hurricane in my Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-34743312001-05-02T23:00:00.000-05:002001-05-02T23:01:03.510-05:00Written. 30. April. 2001So.You think you know me.But you've never been in my shoes.Think you can control me.But you don't know what's in my head.You try to mold me.But I don't fit into any of your forms.How is it then you think you'll hold meTo the lies you take for truth?And who said I would let you try, anyway?Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-34743012001-05-02T22:57:00.000-05:002001-05-02T22:58:40.026-05:00Written. 21. April. 2001Its time for me to go I think,Curtain call is here.And I have run my course-a bit part, cameo, at most.Its time for me to say goodbye,the shadows leading me away.And I never did anything , really-My ember never sparked to life.I never saw another butterfly.I never really wanted to.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-34742592001-05-02T22:54:00.000-05:002001-05-02T22:55:40.946-05:00Written. 20. April. 2001Would ThatWithin, withoutAs I breath,As I feel,As I am.A pretty piece of flesh,within- But without,Nothing, everything, too much.Flesh upon flesh,always alone-enough for twoIn one.The sounding board,the confidant-And never the lover.Would that I was without,the woman within. Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-34741972001-05-02T22:49:00.000-05:002001-05-02T22:50:37.646-05:00Written. 16. April. 2001GothWe have dark, withered thingswith in us.Eerie, fetid, festering secrets,down in the jungleWhere the nightmares and the hororrs play,clambering about with malicious glee.Whispers in our ears,of sweet repose and roses decayed.Gloomy dusk and sorrowful mourningand the fantasy of black lace... on sweat.Erotic funerals, for witch we dress.Musty scent of burning leaves,and Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-34741012001-05-02T22:42:00.000-05:002001-05-02T22:43:04.986-05:00Written. 16. April. 2001Handle MeHead bent, defenses up,charging bull like through the worldto keep from getting hurt.Casual off hand remark,Savage self deprecation to others,When in Rome, they say.Self poison in jest, to warm smilesthat never reach my eyesHow dare you think I'm not lonely.What made you think I'd want your sympathy?Who told you I only wanted to be friends?Why do you assume I haveJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-27105252001-03-09T17:27:00.000-06:002001-03-09T17:39:36.736-06:00Acid Steel... Conclusion. Its not possible. You can't be stalked by a figment of your own imagination. Never the less she's there. Maybe half a block behind me. I can't think straight. I'm still seeing trailers, flashes, visuals all over the place. She's amused by this. Enjoying my discomfort, my confusion, my... arousal. I AM aroused, I can feel it now, my nipples hard, warmth between my legs asJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-27090122001-03-09T15:20:00.000-06:002001-03-09T15:32:40.640-06:00Written. 3. March. 2001Acid Steel ( WARNING: This is pure fiction, scraped from the leftovers of my psyche. Part 2 to follow soon.)The soft clink of steel against my teeth sounds natural amidst the back drop of raucous teens in various stages of rebellious rantings. Ski caps and wallet chains, and mohawks in abundance. I sit quiet, alone, dressed almost somberly in untucked button down shirt andJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26690352001-03-07T00:06:00.000-06:002001-03-07T00:17:29.256-06:00Written. 10. November. 2000My second day at yet another new job. Will I ever settle in one place and be happy? Somehow I highly doubt it. The closest I've ever come is TCIM in Oklahoma and that was due to a lack of options and transportation. And what of the position promised me if I move to Longview? TCIM, yes. But won't I suffer the same ennui, the same burn out for its being on the Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26689592001-03-06T23:58:00.000-06:002001-03-07T00:09:32.423-06:00Written. 27. February. 1993( This is one of the very first poems I ever wrote. )Some peopleSome people can't even believethat there are othersunlike them.Some people can't figureout that the First Amendmentgoes both ways like the splitin a dress' hem.Some people are just soignorant that they can'tbelieve they aren't god!Some people are justtoo stupid to realize thatthere is a real life,especiallyJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26688982001-03-06T23:52:00.000-06:002001-03-07T00:04:04.950-06:00Written. 9. April. 2000(This was a person I'd met and Really wanted to develop a relationship with.)A chanceHes mesmerizing. I'm fascinated by him. He intimidates me. Someone so good looking, so handsome, so witty and intelligent. I feel I don't deserve him and I don't even have him, yet. Perhaps I never will. But don't I deserve? Haven't I struggled and fought for exactly this? I've letJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26516582001-03-05T22:21:00.000-06:002001-03-05T22:32:12.650-06:00Written. 21. February. 2000I smileHe told me I had a good voice,pretty eyes,but then claimed allerigieswhen I tried to repay with a kiss.Is it my inexperience?My naivete that keeps them away. You make the best friend they say.And its always just me alone at the end of the day.Mentally I went beyond the physical,emotionally I moved beyond the mental.But there's still the emptiness,there's still Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26514182001-03-05T22:03:00.000-06:002001-03-05T22:14:41.260-06:00Written. 21. February. 2000It happened so suddenly I almost didn't see. One heartbeat I was one person, and the next heartbeat another. And it didn't happen with bells ringing or pumkins into carriages or great melodramatic wailings and hair pulling. I breathed in- and I was myself, with the same pains and sorrows, firefly sparks of joy and searing longings. But when I breathed out- it was Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-26507282001-03-05T21:16:00.000-06:002001-03-05T21:26:55.033-06:00Written. 25. May. 2000BenefitsI may be lonely, but I can't say, truly,that I am alone.Friends with benefits?Dave in Atlanta.Desperation for human contact.I need to sleep on it.No pun intended.Warned by everyone,no strings attachedBut oh, go slowly,be gentle-I could break- so easily.Can I take this at face value?Am I lonely enough?But are my standards too high?Would it be settling- Because he's Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25661602001-02-28T00:55:00.000-06:002001-02-28T01:05:01.800-06:00Written. 31. January. 2001(This was comissioned by a very dear friend of many lifetimes. Working on revisions, to be posted. )Dreams pastWhen we are able, not to look beyond-but beneath.When dreams past fade, spins into shadow- becomes lessons learned.When time slips not away, but spins outwardinto infinity and back again.When the faces we wear no longer are masks,but facets of ourselvesOnly Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25660822001-02-28T00:43:00.001-06:002001-02-28T00:53:15.466-06:00Written. 4. November. 2000A blank sheet of lined paper, like this, is intimidating to me. I feel compelled to write, but when I open the notebook, and the blank page is before me- I clam up. Its like some twisted version of performance anxiety. Time and again this happens and it never fails to leave me frustrated and unfulfilled. As though I'm taking some cosmic test of merit, intelligence, Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25660812001-02-28T00:43:00.000-06:002001-02-28T00:53:07.293-06:00Written. 4. November. 2000A blank sheet of lined paper, like this, is intimidating to me. I feel compelled to write, but when I open the notebook, and the blank page is before me- I clam up. Its like some twisted version of performance anxiety. Time and again this happens and it never fails to leave me frustrated and unfulfilled. As though I'm taking some cosmic test of merit, intelligence, Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25660182001-02-28T00:36:00.000-06:002001-02-28T00:45:55.380-06:00Written. 11. January. 2000There's something about a roast beef sandwich at 5 in the morning that's just bliss. Absolutely wonderful. Too bad I don't have the energy for another one. One should be enough.Nobody's been in anyone else's shoes. We all have our own private pains. Its how we deal with them, integrate them into our shared lives that defines who we are individually. I have this Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25659422001-02-28T00:29:00.000-06:002001-03-05T22:23:27.436-06:00Written. 11. January. 2000sitting in the tub, head bent-the spray showering down on me;its silent, except for the waterAnd its a small thing, but I love it,you can't take it from me. the lines in a hand,tendons flexing, veins bubblingto the surface- such aestheticbeauty to me- such wonder in a hand,you can't take it from me.I'm running away from the change.From the knowledge. From thebeing. Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25657782001-02-28T00:11:00.000-06:002001-02-28T00:21:30.260-06:00(No date on this on, but done late Sept.-Oct. 2000)Tell me what it means to be one of thechosen onesAnd maybe I'll choose you.Show me what it is to know armsaround me,and maybe I'll wrap mine around you.Give me access to just one hour of your love,your reason for living,and maybe I'll let myself fall in love with you.Teach me to feel the fullness of lifeand death,And maybe I'll learn to revere Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25657462001-02-28T00:08:00.000-06:002001-03-05T22:25:26.086-06:00Written. 11. August. 2000Precious GemsAll the glitters is gold,But not all gold is worthwile.Fool's gold, thieving deceiver,Tightropes treacherously walked over pipe dreams,Phantom Hopes,Glittering brightly, waiting to be snatchedAway.Diamonds are forever,But hope soon whithers, sundered. Flashing in the harsh sun,Dangling happiness like prisms-Rainbow colours on the wallsIcy talons eager to rip,Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-25656322001-02-27T23:55:00.000-06:002001-02-28T00:04:52.796-06:00Written. 16. August. 2000 ( The original is of course, in pencil )God damn, pencilI can't stand using pencil. Nor can I abide erasing with it. I need the permanence of ink, the starkness of jelly roll styling. I needs PENS! I'm a writer, I write. I am attempting to catch every moment of my life on paper. Do I want to go back later and change it? Edit and rework it until it is no longerJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24953532001-02-23T05:25:00.000-06:002001-02-23T05:34:20.760-06:00(Again, no date, though I know this was written at least 4 or more years ago. Please note: As with a number of other poems, this one is meant to be centered down the page. Unfortunately, either blogger doesn't have that feature, or I haven't figured out how to access it...yet. )WiccaPhallus. Womb.Fertility religion.Invoke the Goddess in her earthly form. Earth. Water. Fire. Air.Strength of Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24951922001-02-23T04:43:00.000-06:002001-02-23T04:52:29.696-06:00Written. 22. September. 1995Cigarette.The young woman sat on the dock in her jeans and her NIN shirt. She wasn't really looking at the water as much as she was looking through it. Clear through to the murky depths of her psyche. Anyone seeing her there would've thought her to be a statue. Although the guys who drove past thought she was a pretty good looking statue with her knee pulled up so Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24950762001-02-23T04:22:00.000-06:002001-02-23T04:31:07.336-06:00Written. 27. November, 2000I feel like Madame Bovary, only without the opportunity to take on lovers and thereby spill passion everywhere. Any real feeling I have for this world or the people in it is so far gone from me as to never have existed. I AM comfortably numb. Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24482402001-02-20T00:55:00.000-06:002001-02-20T01:03:19.853-06:00Written. 18. May. 2000What's it like to write, to really write? To start with a single word on a blank, virginal page and add to it? To watch this child, grow and mature, page after page, until at last you look before you and you've borne a work, purely from the bits and pieces in your head. What's it like to look upon this body of work and know that you created it, breathed life into it? Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24481782001-02-20T00:47:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:55:02.736-06:00Written. 13. February. 2001( Yes, this is the most recent poem I've written. And its silly, but its kind of cute, too. )Sleepy Nap TimeIts rainingsoft, light,the kind that makes you want tocurl up-take a nap.The sky is gray,but not oppressing.just shadowy enoughthat you can throw the curtains open,and sleep comfortably in the light.Bed's warm,dark sheets, fluffy blankets,perfect with the egg Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24481352001-02-20T00:41:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:49:49.403-06:00Written. 14. November. 2000I had the oddest dream last night. Or rather a series of dreams. A family with a secret who was forced to destroy its home- and the one that sits more uneasily with me: Alison who had powers, a dragon ability, fell in love with the devil. And how he was attractive. I think I fell in love with him, too. After losing her head, she gave up her powers in order to liveJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24480412001-02-20T00:32:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:40:26.163-06:00Written. 17. November. 2000 KeenlyTime passes so slowly whenYou're so keenly aware of it.Its not like you killed someoneExcept perhaps yourselfChoking on tedious timeGagging on inconsequential inertiaCounting the seconds as your willSlithers awayLeaving an empty time-So keenly aware ofIts passing so slowly.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24479922001-02-20T00:26:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:34:21.330-06:00Written. 30. March. 2000Personal Observations.So it goes. I'm trying very hard not to let the shadows over take me. Even if the shadows are in my own mind. They say you're not going insane if you can question your own sanity. I'm not so sure. But I'm trying. Trying very hard. If I'm truly unable to face up to my own past, will I finally be consumed by it? Can I stand up to my own shadows,Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24478932001-02-20T00:15:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:23:12.376-06:00Written. 9. October. 2000 fly awayif I could-Soar above it all andwatch as it fell awayto nothing.Let the current take me,blow me, flow me, twist andmold me, clean me-of all the dirt.I'd land,fresh, almost new, anonymous-And I'd start over. Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24478732001-02-20T00:13:00.000-06:002001-03-05T22:30:29.246-06:00Written. 15. October. 2000 I tried.I tried to love you-and you turned me away.I tried to live for you-and you told me I was better off dead.I tried to fight for you-and you shunned my blade.I tried to defend you-and you led yourself to slaughter.I gave you all of me, lifelove, soul, blood, sweat, and tears. All my sorrow, all my pain. My shame.Every ounce of control.All my joy was yours.I heldJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24478362001-02-20T00:09:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:16:56.963-06:00( This one isn't dated, but it can't have been written more than 2 months ago. )Gentle fingers through my hair-am I consoling myself?Heated bubble bath,Am I soothing myself?Sherry sipped before a warming fire-Am I indulging myself?I'm refusing, certainly-but what I'm not sure.Give in, give up, resign myselfto melancholy?To solitude and pain?Solitude maybe, but not painI'm happy in my aloneness.I Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24477872001-02-20T00:04:00.000-06:002001-02-20T00:12:11.556-06:00( Here's a haiku I wrote for my sister because she couldn't come up with one for class. Written in the last 3 weeks. )Autumnal wind blowsgently through my raven locksFall is nearing fast.Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24468862001-02-19T22:43:00.000-06:002001-02-19T22:51:11.150-06:00Written. 12. September. 2000 I think todayI think I said farewell todayto all the haunts of my pastWolfie's Death Mass presided-in apropos solemnity.But I think I mourned for todayall the ashen dreams, crumbled hopesSilence hovered in that sky,pregnant with accusation.And I wonder how much fight is left within meI wonder how much further I can go-Alone.If I keep breathing is it the sameas Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24465692001-02-19T22:20:00.000-06:002001-02-19T22:27:52.286-06:00Written. 2. October. 2000 Will It?My lifeMy loveMy joy, my hateMy shame, my pride-I gave it all to you.And it still wasn't enough.I've been such a very good friendHeld back the world for youCarried your reality on my shoulders-So it wouldn't crumblein your face-And still it wasn't enough.It was never enough.And it never will be...Will it?Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24464192001-02-19T22:09:00.000-06:002001-02-19T22:17:09.326-06:00Written. 30. August. 2000Its time for me to stop and take a breath- to look around and see what I can see. Not that I'm going too fast, But I'm too deep, too mired down in the mundane, slowly drowning without even knowing it. I have to take a step back and look at the whole of it- at least that which I can See. Perhaps I'm so deeply embedded in the little things that I've really become Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24459692001-02-19T21:38:00.000-06:002001-02-19T21:46:06.756-06:00Written. 10. January. 2000 Nothing Really. New century, new pen, new paper.Nothing really changes.Its not right, this year,it started to well,won't stop.Each night I lay me down to sleepEach morning I wake up just the same.Nothing really changes.I breath the same breath, thinkthe same thoughts.Go through the same motions.I want to rip holes in all my shirtsto see if anything looks differenton Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24459242001-02-19T21:34:00.000-06:002001-02-19T21:42:19.846-06:00Written. 7. July. 2000So you read a poem in front of a groupand you got a goodly amount of applause-maybe not the biggest, nor yet the most-but enough.To make you smile, to make you proud,to make you think maybe you're not sogawky and ungainly as you thought.Maybe, just maybe, you have some worth.Maybe.But its early yet, and there's so much more ofyour soul you want to expose, to lay openlike a Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24458252001-02-19T21:26:00.000-06:002001-02-19T21:34:44.653-06:00Written. 21. February. 2000WorkAt this moment I'm sincerely wondering if we're going home early. I don't think I'd complain. I'd like to sleep, but the Ginseng is keeping me from nodding off at work. And just for the record, I think the missing link is sitting next to me. Not that it really matters, I'll take my break and with any luck be out of here by 9. I've taken to hanging up on my Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24457132001-02-19T21:18:00.000-06:002001-02-19T21:26:40.333-06:00Written. 10. January. 2000 I dreamed about Death last night-and it came on a pale horse totake me away.And I dreamed about God the night before.He talked and gesticulated, and said, 'Suffer the children',but didn't give me peace.Last week I dreamt of blood- imagine that.Hot and thick, flowing in my veinsnectar of the Lost Gods.Someone died in my dream two months ago.And soon after two uncles Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24455662001-02-19T21:07:00.000-06:002001-02-19T21:12:51.376-06:00Written. 22. February. 2000( Here's a tiny phrase that I always wanted to construct into a more in depth poem. )Fire walk with meBecause sometimesMy arms bend back.Perfection is the dream of thosewith no imagination.We can't all be heroes,Can we?Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24452392001-02-19T20:43:00.000-06:002001-02-19T20:51:44.760-06:00Written. 2. January. 2000( This was written about a man who I gave 5 long years to. And to whom I am still enternally bonded. We may never speak to each other again, and ours is a long, long story, but we'll always be each others. And no, it was never a romantic relationship. )There's a feeling of justification as I sit here writing, a feeling that I did what needed to be done. Ours paths areJessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24450082001-02-19T20:25:00.000-06:002001-02-19T20:30:07.216-06:00Written. 25. March. 20005 years ago on this day I was writing the blackest poetry of my life. Only then I didn't know what true blackness really was. I'd had a nice, healthy taste of it, no denying that, but I hadn't been beyond it, to the light, only to make the stupidest mistake and be plunged back into that darkness. Now, here, 5 years later, I've seen that light, that happiness, been able Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2016178.post-24447962001-02-19T20:07:00.000-06:002001-02-19T20:15:34.530-06:00Written. 3. December. 1999Been out of reach and Seperatistfeeling the coming of the new ageas keenly as the icy steel ofthe razor-against my wristpressing in, a thin line of bloodwelling up-Red and wet, as tempting asany Biblical apple.Washed in the blood,And shall I feel afraid.Hell at one dark window,Death at my back,breathing down my neckCaressing my Dark side, my Isis.You're leading me Jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12751343772843115649noreply@blogger.com0